Lester Patel, Internet Dating Consultant
by Course Jester
Summary: Flush with the success of Big Mike, the creator of the Internet Hotness Conversion Factor takes it upon himself to devise Internet dating strategies for the rest of his friends. Pure silliness. One shot.


_A/N – This is a completely pointless, absolutely silly bit of drabble that has nothing to do with anything. Lester's Internet Hotness Conversion Factor line in the last ep was pure genius, and it just stayed with me. This idea hit me in the wee hours of the morning when I should have been sleeping, and hounded me all day until I wrote the story. Hopefully, you'll get a laugh or two. As always, I own nothing. _

_Enjoy!_

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_Lester Patel, Internet Dating Consultant_

Seeing Big Mike happy again feeds my soul. Those of a more cynical nature might say that I'm only pleased because I can once again goof off all day at work, but that's only mostly true. I am, after all, a humanitarian. And since I'm such a giver, I have decided to prepare Internet dating strategies for all of my friends, so that I might bestow upon them the same happiness that I have given to our Big Kahuna. Of course none of them have yet asked for my help, but there's no doubt that they will eventually. Sooner or later, everyone comes to Papa Lester. I'm so pimptastic that I should buy a '74 Continental and a fur hat.

After giving this an entire day of thought (I wasn't working, so I had to do _something_), I have reached the following conclusions. I have calculated the Internet Hotness Conversion Factor, or IHCF, for each of my friends, and then devised for each of them an Internet dating strategy based upon that score. For reference, an IHCF of 1.0 is the baseline. A 1.0 means you can just be yourself. A legitimate 1.0 is about as common as a dodo bird, but I think that should be clear from the scores below. Here are the results, in no particular order.

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_**Chuck Bartowski, IHCF 1.4**_

Sure, he's dating the hottest woman in all of Creation. But that being the case, one day soon she's going to wake up and realize that she's way too hot to be dating Chuck, and what happens next will not be pretty. Chuck is my _mensch_; I don't want him to be caught unprepared.

A 1.4 IHCF is a pretty solid score, my friend. Use a good picture of yourself, and you should do well. You're an intriguing case - cute enough to attract attention, but not so impossibly gorgeous that no one will believe that your picture is the real deal. Stay away from the words "Nerd" and "Herd" in your description; you work "in the technology sector." Oh, and ask your sister Ellie to choose your picture for you, and also your outfit for any subsequent dates. She's a girl and she knows what girls like.

_**Sarah Walker, IHCF -37.2**_

Yeah, I know. Blondie doesn't need Internet dating sites. It requires a massive suspension of disbelief to imagine that she would need any dating strategy beyond pointing at a guy and saying, "You. Come here _right now_." However, I believe in being thorough, and since I devised a plan for Chuck, I will also plan for his better (and, man, do I really mean that) half.

Sarah can obviously use her own picture. Any one she chooses. No matter which one she picks, no one will ever believe that it's actually her (hence the huge negative IHCF). Male self-delusion is so powerful, though, that it makes no difference what her profile says; they'll ask her out on even the slimmest hope that she looks anything like her photo. Upon meeting her and seeing that the picture is in fact legit, any prospective date will immediately pass out. This may seem awkward, but it's actually a plus. Blondie will get a chance to scope him out while he's comatose, and decide whether or not to beat a retreat. If she stays, the guy gets a date with the hottie of his dreams, and if she takes off, they're both spared the awkwardness of a date that goes nowhere. It's a win-win.

_**Morgan Grimes, IHCF 3.6 or special; see below**_

Much like my semi-fearless leader Chuck, Morgan is dating a woman way out of his league, and will therefore soon be single. When this eventually and inevitably happens, Grimes has two alternatives.

If he goes to conventional dating sites, his IHCF of 3.6 will apply, and in order to attract any attention at all, he will have to quickly become taller, richer, and smoother – he's a hairy little dude. However, I have it on good authority (Anna) that Morgan is rather cute and cuddly, and if he chooses to embrace this, he could find success on sites like _HumanTeddyBear_ or _MuppetLove_.

_**Anna Wu, IHCF -2.2**_

She's very hot (note the negative IHCF), but she also has a very specific look (Walker's appeal is more broad-based, thus the more negative number). Her best bet is to use her own picture, but be selective about which websites she chooses. If she picks wisely, the response will be excellent.

On a side note, the guys at _GothicAsia_ will not be happy when she causes their server to crash, but fate will give her a chance at repayment when the Nerd Herd gets the service call.

_**John Casey, IHCF unknown. See below.**_

I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. Sure, he's very tall and reasonably good looking, but there's also a distinct possibility that he's a robot. The guy brings new meaning to the word _aloof_. I'm afraid that if I tried to snap a profile picture, he'd break the camera over my head.

This is one seriously rough and gruff dude. There might be a soft and chewy center in there somewhere, but I'm gonna let someone else look for it.

_**Emmett Milbarge, IHCF 12.7**_

I really just don't like the man, so I'm not gonna waste much effort pondering this one. I thought for a moment that "pulling a Big Mike" could work here, that my life would be easier if he was happier, but then reality set in. The Big Kahuna has a native charisma that gives us something to work with, but this oily little suck-up is a real zero.

The only thing I will say is that if he has the nerve to use his own picture and wear that ridiculous hairpiece, I would recommend that he try _Ferretastic dot com_.

_**Jeff. IHCF cannot be calculated. Requires advanced calculus, imaginary numbers, and, quite frankly, an imagination the size of Jupiter.**_

Jeff is my bosom buddy. I owe it to him to be completely, brutally honest. That being said, there just aren't many options here.

Sorry, big guy. At least you're too drunk to feel the pain.

His best (and possibly only) shot is very, very specific website targeting. I suggest _BigHouseMomma_. It's a dating site for ladies who have, uh, spent some time in the service of the state. They're not too picky, and given Jeff's family history he should be able to strike up a rapport. After all, women love a man who understands them. Even the felons.

_**Ellie Bartowski and Devon, IHCF -14.7  
**_

Every so often Chuck's sister Ellie comes into the Buy More, and that's a very good thing. She's smokin' hot, and looking – well, staring – at her makes me wonder how Bartowski stayed sane in high school with all his friends constantly asking him how on earth he wound up with such a babetastic sister. And not only is she insanely hot, but she's also a doctor. _Niiiiice._

Sadly, she is apparently happily engaged to the ridiculously handsome Devon (also a doctor, the bastard), ruthlessly crushing any dreams of a sizzling sugar momma that yours truly might have had. Ellie and Devon obviously need no dating help, but it occurred to me that even the happiest of couples can occasionally get bored. Should this happen, there are websites I can suggest that would, well, put the _zing _back in their fling. But before they post their first _"Hot young doctors looking for FUN!"_ Internet ad, I'll have to warn them to schedule a week's vacation to sift through all the replies, and not to take it personally when Yahoo fusses at them for exceeding the size limit of their Inbox.

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So there it is, Gospel dating truth. After all, the numbers don't lie. I'm just fortunate that I've never had to bother calculating my own IHCF. Thanks to my obvious intelligence, sparkling wit, and exotic good looks, the ladies come running. Some guys are just lucky, I guess.

Now if you'll excuse me, my "work" is done for the day, and I shall take my leave. Gonna grab my bag and head on out to the parking lot, where my chariot awaits. As much as I love my ride, though, I really should trade it in. An imaginary Bentley would have much more leg room than an imaginary Ferrari. When you're six foot three like me, you need your imaginary space.


End file.
